Needy much?

When I checked my email Saturday night, this email was staring back up at me*:

Subject:Why haven't I heard from you?

Applications are pouring in here at Whitworth University, and I'm a bit concerned because I haven't seen yours and the extended deadline is January 15. If you've recently submitted it - thank you - I'll be in touch! But if not, I would like to remind you why the Dean's Priority Application best way to apply...(insert long boring description of the Dean's application which I found dull here)... It doesn't get much better than this (did I mention how convenient the application is?).I look forward to seeing your application and wish you a happy new year!

Regards,
Fred R. Pfursich (pronounced fur-sic)
Vice President for Admissions and Financial Aid
Whitworth University

Wow. Hands down this is the most pathetic email I have ever received. Colleges receive hundreds, maybe thousands of applications every year. It would sadden me to think that they are so desperate to get students that they have to beg each and every possible student to submit this application. This approach changes my entire view of the school. It stops being a high-falutin' ivory tower, and instead becomes an overly worried parent who throws a hissy fit if you don't call ever ten minutes.

Next, it assures you that "I'll be in touch!" So, if the tone of this email is any indication, not only is the application staff at Whitworth needy, they're excited to start a motherly stalker relationship with their students. "Have you had dinner yet, you really should, I'm getting worried about your health." "Now Susan, you haven't visited office hours in the last two weeks, and we're concerned."

Mr. Pfursich also assures me that college applications don't get much better than the Dean's Application. I think he's trying to be casual, and put students at ease, but since I haven't heard the phrase "it doesn't get much better than this" in an infomercial, that was filmed in the late nineties, the effect is totally radical.

He also makes sure we know how to pronounce his, admittedly difficult, last name. Whitworth has over twenty five hundred students, so somehow I doubt that every one of them is buddy buddy enough with the Admissions Vice president that they need to know his name. Even if they are, couldn't he tell them how to pronounce it when they talk to him? Was it so scaring to him, as a child, when people couldn't pronounce his name, that he has to include a pronunciation on every document he writes? Does he write a little note saying "it's pronounced fur-sic" on every utilities bill, tax form, and Starbucks order?

Sorry Whitworth, I'm done with my college apps, and I don't think I'm applying to there. Don't worry, it's not you, it's me.

*This is the actual email, but it has been shortened because the original email was longer, and most of it was pretty dull. The original meaning, though is not changed.